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Listen for meaning behind peoples words in conversations

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Part of better conversations is better listening, and this was where I always thought I excelled, given my profession. But listening is a delicate art, and it’s harder than it seems. As Kate Murphy writes in You’re Not Listening, much of what people do in conversation is interrogate. We ask rapid-fire questions like “What do you do?” and “Are you married?” that make people feel put on the spot, not connected.

Instead, you should ask questions that encourage elaboration on what the person has already said, Murphy writes, getting at the deeper reasons behind why they’re telling you something. This will help draw out their emotions and allow them to feel truly understood. For example, if a friend told you they just got laid off, rather than quickly assuring them, “You’ll find another job soon,” it might be better to say something like, “So now you have to break the news to your family? That’s rough. How do you think they’re going to react?”

Similarly, Georgie suggested we try listening for the meaning behind people’s stories, rather than collecting facts. Sometimes, that literally entails asking someone what a certain experience meant for them, and why that meaning was important. We paired with a different partner to discuss a recent vacation in this more feelings-oriented way