Anger is set off by a trigger, but there is a path of priming that prepares our mind for it
Summary
- Anger has 2 parts: there is a period of priming where things start to irritate us, then a trigger that sets us off
Details
- The priming may include general things such as hunger, tiredness or stress. It may also be specific such as feeling misunderstood or let down
- Eventually when we are triggered, the response may be out of proportion to the trigger
- Anger reduces our well being, while the person it is directed to may not even be aware that we are angry wtih them
Reflections
- traffic?
References
Quotes
Try to be mindful of the process of getting angry, which typically happens in two stages: the priming and the trigger. In the first stage, little things add up. Some are general, including stress, weariness, and hunger. Others are more specific, such as the small moments of feeling misunderstood, let down, or hassled that gradually sensitize you to a particular person. It’s like someone dragging a fingernail across the back of your hand: the first dozen times don’t matter much, but by the hundredth time it happens, you naturally flinch and pull back. Even minor experiences can build up like a pile of unlit matches.
Then, in the second stage, some kind of spark lands and starts a fire—often way out of proportion to the trigger itself. For example, when our kids were young and cluttering the floor with their toys and shoes, if I was in a good mood I hardly noticed their stuff. But if I was tired at the end of a frustrating day (the priming) and stubbed my toe on a fire truck (the trigger), kaboom! In the moment of being angry, we tend to presume that it is justified by whatever happened: “Well, of course I’m mad!” But usually, most of the anger has been fueled by the priming and is out of proportion to the trigger itself.
Take some time to consider the costs of anger for you personally, both these days and over the past years of your life. Think about how it makes you feel. Think about its effects on your sleep, body, and health, and its effects on your relationships at home or work. Even when anger is kept inside, it eats away at a person. You may have heard it said that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for others to die.
Ask yourself how you’d react if the trigger—the situation, event, words, or tone—were happening for the first time. Put the trigger in perspective. On your this-is-bad scale running from 0 to 10, how bad is the trigger, really? How long will its effects last? Will you even remember it in a couple of days? This is not about minimizing the trigger, but about seeing it clearly. It has helped me so many times to realize that what had happened was in fact a 2 but my anger was surging to a 7
Related
- We must, then, hold back our anger, whether the one who needs to be taken on is our equal, our better, or our inferior. To fight with an equal is a chancy affair; with a better, insane; with an inferior, tawdry - Seneca
- It is best to repel instantly the first prickings of anger, to stamp out its very seedlings, to take pains not to be drawn in - Seneca
- Use your imagination to foresee dangerous situations and plan to avoid the pitfalls